For those who slept through World History 101… here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer,
and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known
as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention
of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat
and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine
or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood
and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to also make the pitcher
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines – and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business
of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond
to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of
this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to liberals – just to **** them off.
Anonymous
