I’m embarrassed to say that during most of the speech I found myself “screen-talking,” something for which I normally have intense criticism. But in the privacy of my own home my remarks annoyed only my wife, who kept reminding me of the location of my blood pressure medication – which I tend to save for “special occasions” like Presidential debates, election nights, and inadvertent glimpses of MSNBC.

At any rate, for the benefit of those fortunate souls who managed to miss another performance by the greatest orator in the history of the universe (Chris Matthews’ words, not mine), I have assembled here the text of the speech by Barack Hussein Obama Soetoro Obama (hereafter referred to simply as BHOSO). Interspersed with his genius I have included a few of my own  irreverent, and sometimes astute, comments for your amusement:

Madame Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, and the First Lady of the United States:

I've come here tonight not only to address the distinguished men and women in this great chamber, but to speak frankly and directly to the men and women who sent us here.

I know that for many Americans watching right now, the state of our economy is a concern that rises above all others. And rightly so. If you haven't been personally affected by this recession, you probably know someone who has - a friend; a neighbor; a member of your family. You don't need to hear another list of statistics to know that our economy is in crisis, because you live it every day. It's the worry you wake up with and the source of sleepless nights. It's the job you thought you'd retire from but now have lost; the business you built your dreams upon that's now hanging by a thread; the college acceptance letter your child had to put back in the envelope. The impact of this recession is real, and it is everywhere.

(With an unemployment rate of about 7 per cent, that means the employment rate is 97 per cent. If BHOSO and the media would stop bad-mouthing the economy perhaps the situation would not be so grim.)

But while our economy may be weakened and our confidence shaken; though we are living through difficult and uncertain times, tonight I want every American to know this:

(Confidence shaken thanks to you, BHOSO.)

We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before.

(Exactly how will we emerge stronger with the additional $2-$3 trillion BHOSO and his fellow Democrats added to the national debt?)

The weight of this crisis will not determine the destiny of this nation. The answers to our problems don't lie beyond our reach. They exist in our laboratories and universities; in our fields and our factories; in the imaginations of our entrepreneurs and the pride of the hardest-working people on Earth. Those qualities that have made America the greatest force of progress and prosperity in human history we still possess in ample measure. What is required now is for this country to pull together, confront boldly the challenges we face, and take responsibility for our future once more.

(The answers certainly don’t lie in Washington, D.C.)

Now, if we're honest with ourselves, we'll admit that for too long, we have not always met these responsibilities - as a government or as a people. I say this not to lay blame or look backwards, but because it is only by understanding how we arrived at this moment that we'll be able to lift ourselves out of this predicament.

(BHOSO  certainly does want to lay blame. He’s been doing it for two years, and he’s not about to stop now.)

The fact is, our economy did not fall into decline overnight. Nor did all of our problems begin when the housing market collapsed or the stock market sank. We have known for decades that our survival depends on finding new sources of energy. Yet we import more oil today than ever before. The cost of health care eats up more and more of our savings each year, yet we keep delaying reform. Our children will compete for jobs in a global economy that too many of our schools do not prepare them for. And though all these challenges went unsolved, we still managed to spend more money and pile up more debt, both as individuals and through our government, than ever before.

(Our survival depends mostly on shrinking the size and the power of the federal government – period. The rest is easy, if Americans are left alone to solve problems, without government intervention.)

In other words, we have lived through an era where too often, short-term gains were prized over long-term prosperity; where we failed to look beyond the next payment, the next quarter, or the next election. A surplus became an excuse to transfer wealth to the wealthy instead of an opportunity to invest in our future. Regulations were gutted for the sake of a quick profit at the expense of a healthy market. People bought homes they knew they couldn't afford from banks and lenders who pushed those bad loans anyway. And all the while, critical debates and difficult decisions were put off for some other time on some other day.

(It has primarily been the government that looks at short-term results and fails to recognize long-term costs. Cutting taxes does not “transfer wealth to the wealthy,” it is merely the act of confiscating less of what they earned. Regulations have been increased by government every year, not reduced or eliminated. Yes, people did buy homes they knew they couldn’t afford, but those were their foolish, voluntary decisions – no one put a gun to their heads and forced their signature on the loans. Buyers went to the banks and applied for the loans, the banks didn’t go knocking on the doors of strangers.)

Well that day of reckoning has arrived, and the time to take charge of our future is here.

Now is the time to act boldly and wisely - to not only revive this economy, but to build a new foundation for lasting prosperity. Now is the time to jumpstart job creation, re-start lending, and invest in areas like energy, health care, and education that will grow our economy, even as we make hard choices to bring our deficit down. That is what my economic agenda is designed to do, and that's what I'd like to talk to you about tonight.

(Cut taxes and government. That would be bold and wise.)

It's an agenda that begins with jobs.

As soon as I took office, I asked this Congress to send me a recovery plan by President's Day that would put people back to work and put money in their pockets. Not because I believe in bigger government - I don't. Not because I'm not mindful of the massive debt we've inherited - I am. I called for action because the failure to do so would have cost more jobs and caused more hardships. In fact, a failure to act would have worsened our long-term deficit by assuring weak economic growth for years. That's why I pushed for quick action. And tonight, I am grateful that this Congress delivered, and pleased to say that the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act is now law.

(BHOSO does not believe in bigger government? Hook him up to a lie detector and ask him to repeat that statement. He is so mindful of the massive debt he inherited that he tripled it within four weeks. A failure to act would have been the correct thing to do – short of cutting taxes and government.)

Over the next two years, this plan will save or create 3.5 million jobs. More than 90% of these jobs will be in the private sector - jobs rebuilding our roads and bridges; constructing wind turbines and solar panels; laying broadband and expanding mass transit.

(A week or two ago the promise was 4 million. The number doesn’t matter, because it is impossible to measure. Even if the total number of jobs decreases, BHOSO can say it would have been worse by 3.5 million without his stimulus plan!)

Because of this plan, there are teachers who can now keep their jobs and educate our kids. Health care professionals can continue caring for our sick. There are 57 police officers who are still on the streets of Minneapolis tonight because this plan prevented the layoffs their department was about to make.

(Perhaps some of those teachers need to lose their jobs. BHOSO’s socialized medicine will create a shortage of health care professionals. And there will never be enough cops to arrest all the thugs BHOSO allows to stroll across the border.)

Because of this plan, 95% of the working households in America will receive a tax cut - a tax cut that you will see in your paychecks beginning on April 1st.

(That statement is an outright lie. BHOSO is eliminating the wage cap on Social Security taxes, which will raise taxes on anyone making at least $102,000. Their employers will also have to pay more. Even liberals should understand that $102,000 is less than $250,000.)

Because of this plan, families who are struggling to pay tuition costs will receive a $2,500 tax credit for all four years of college. And Americans who have lost their jobs in this recession will be able to receive extended unemployment benefits and continued health care coverage to help them weather this storm.

(As soon as that tax credit is enacted, colleges and universities will raise tuition by $2,500. Count on it. And how much will those extended unemployment and health benefits cost the taxpayers? The recession will end when unemployment checks run out. Give them more checks and extend the recession.)

I know there are some in this chamber and watching at home who are skeptical of whether this plan will work. I understand that skepticism. Here in Washington, we've all seen how quickly good intentions can turn into broken promises and wasteful spending. And with a plan of this scale comes enormous responsibility to get it right.

(Yes, people are skeptical. No, BHOSO doesn’t understand. He’s already broken a half dozen promise, and he’s  not going to get it right – not with Tim Geithner running the Treasury Department and Bernanke at the Federal Reserve Board.)

That is why I have asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort - because nobody messes with Joe. I have told each member of my Cabinet as well as mayors and governors across the country that they will be held accountable by me and the American people for every dollar they spend. I have appointed a proven and aggressive Inspector General to ferret out any and all cases of waste and fraud. And we have created a new website called recovery.gov so that every American can find out how and where their money is being spent.

(Joe Biden is clueless – even when he’s sober. Ferret out waste and fraud? The bulk of the federal government is waste and fraud!)

So the recovery plan we passed is the first step in getting our economy back on track. But it is just the first step. Because even if we manage this plan flawlessly, there will be no real recovery unless we clean up the credit crisis that has severely weakened our financial system.

(The recovery plan is a grow-government plan. It won’t help the economy.)

I want to speak plainly and candidly about this issue tonight, because every American should know that it directly affects you and your family's well-being. You should also know that the money you've deposited in banks across the country is safe; your insurance is secure; and you can rely on the continued operation of our financial system. That is not the source of concern.

(The FDIC hasn’t got enough money to cover even 10 per cent of the banks if they fail. All Washington can do now is print money – which they’ve already started doing. Hyper-inflation here we come.)

The concern is that if we do not re-start lending in this country, our recovery will be choked off before it even begins.

(Individuals and business with good credit can still get loans. The only credit crisis is among those who don’t deserve credit.)

You see, the flow of credit is the lifeblood of our economy. The ability to get a loan is how you finance the purchase of everything from a home to a car to a college education; how stores stock their shelves, farms buy equipment, and businesses make payroll.

(The future problem is that there won’t be any cash left after the federal government borrows it all to finance its debt. It will have to raise interest rates to attract buyers of Treasury bonds, which will in turn affect the entire economy negatively.)

But credit has stopped flowing the way it should. Too many bad loans from the housing crisis have made their way onto the books of too many banks. With so much debt and so little confidence, these banks are now fearful of lending out any more money to households, to businesses, or to each other. When there is no lending, families can't afford to buy homes or cars. So businesses are forced to make layoffs. Our economy suffers even more, and credit dries up even further.

(Banks are not fearful, they are simply getting back to basics, lending only to creditworthy customers. Some people should simply not be buying houses and cars, they should be paying down their credit cards and living responsibly.)

That is why this administration is moving swiftly and aggressively to break this destructive cycle, restore confidence, and re-start lending.

(The stock market has been so confident of BHOSO that it has dropped 20 per cent since he was sworn in.)

We will do so in several ways. First, we are creating a new lending fund that represents the largest effort ever to help provide auto loans, college loans, and small business loans to the consumers and entrepreneurs who keep this economy running.

(What will you be lending? The government has no money!)

Second, we have launched a housing plan that will help responsible families facing the threat of foreclosure lower their monthly payments and re-finance their mortgages. It's a plan that won't help speculators or that neighbor down the street who bought a house he could never hope to afford, but it will help millions of Americans who are struggling with declining home values - Americans who will now be able to take advantage of the lower interest rates that this plan has already helped bring about. In fact, the average family who re-finances today can save nearly $2000 per year on their mortgage.

(This statement is a contradiction in terms. There is no need to help responsible families because they did not overextend themselves by buying a house they could not afford. By its very nature, BHOSO’s plan will be helping irresponsible people. That $2,000 BHOSO gives to the irresponsible will be paid for by the responsible.)

Third, we will act with the full force of the federal government to ensure that the major banks that Americans depend on have enough confidence and enough money to lend even in more difficult times. And when we learn that a major bank has serious problems, we will hold accountable those responsible, force the necessary adjustments, provide the support to clean up their balance sheets, and assure the continuity of a strong, viable institution that can serve our people and our economy.

(And who will be holding BHOSO, Pelosi, Reid, Dodd, Frank, and the rest of Congress accountable?)

I understand that on any given day, Wall Street may be more comforted by an approach that gives banks bailouts with no strings attached, and that holds nobody accountable for their reckless decisions. But such an approach won't solve the problem. And our goal is to quicken the day when we re-start lending to the American people and American business and end this crisis once and for all.

(No, Banks don’t want bail-outs. They want to be left alone and not forced to lend to people with no jobs, no income, and no credit.)

I intend to hold these banks fully accountable for the assistance they receive, and this time, they will have to clearly demonstrate how taxpayer dollars result in more lending for the American taxpayer. This time, CEOs won't be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over.

(Will Nancy Pelosi give up her private jet? Will the federal government be held accountable for its spending? Will Larry King ever ask an insightful question? Will Barney Frank iron his shirts?)

Still, this plan will require significant resources from the federal government - and yes, probably more than we've already set aside. But while the cost of action will be great, I can assure you that the cost of inaction will be far greater, for it could result in an economy that sputters along for not months or years, but perhaps a decade. That would be worse for our deficit, worse for business, worse for you, and worse for the next generation. And I refuse to let that happen.

(“More than you’ve already set aside?” There is NOTHING set aside! The cost of inaction, on the other hand,  is zero, and is the preferable course of action.)

I understand that when the last administration asked this Congress to provide assistance for struggling banks, Democrats and Republicans alike were infuriated by the mismanagement and results that followed. So were the American taxpayers. So was I.

(So BHOSO is going to continue the practice…)

So I know how unpopular it is to be seen as helping banks right now, especially when everyone is suffering in part from their bad decisions. I promise you - I get it.

(BHOSO won’t “get it” until his approval rating drops a little more and a dozen states pass sovereignty resolutions.)

But I also know that in a time of crisis, we cannot afford to govern out of anger, or yield to the politics of the moment. My job - our job - is to solve the problem. Our job is to govern with a sense of responsibility. I will not spend a single penny for the purpose of rewarding a single Wall Street executive, but I will do whatever it takes to help the small business that can't pay its workers or the family that has saved and still can't get a mortgage.

(BHOSO will start helping small businesses by raising capital gains and dividends taxes, income taxes, Social Security taxes, and imposing absurd and expensive global warming regulations. Yeah, all that will help create more jobs.)

That's what this is about. It's not about helping banks - it's about helping people. Because when credit is available again, that young family can finally buy a new home. And then some company will hire workers to build it. And then those workers will have money to spend, and if they can get a loan too, maybe they'll finally buy that car, or open their own business. Investors will return to the market, and American families will see their retirement secured once more. Slowly, but surely, confidence will return, and our economy will recover.

(Let’s see, we’re in a big mess because everyone borrowed beyond their means… so we’ll fix the problem by encouraging more borrowing! And the illegals will come back across the border to hang drywall and be helped by ACORN to become Democrat voters!)

So I ask this Congress to join me in doing whatever proves necessary. Because we cannot consign our nation to an open-ended recession. And to ensure that a crisis of this magnitude never happens again, I ask Congress to move quickly on legislation that will finally reform our outdated regulatory system. It is time to put in place tough, new common-sense rules of the road so that our financial market rewards drive and innovation, and punishes short-cuts and abuse.

(Don’t worry, BHOSO, with you at the helm it won’t be an open-ended recession, it will be a full-blown depression. And lots of burdensome new regulations will help slow things down even more.)

The recovery plan and the financial stability plan are the immediate steps we're taking to revive our economy in the short-term. But the only way to fully restore America's economic strength is to make the long-term investments that will lead to new jobs, new industries, and a renewed ability to compete with the rest of the world. The only way this century will be another American century is if we confront at last the price of our dependence on oil and the high cost of health care; the schools that aren't preparing our children and the mountain of debt they stand to inherit. That is our responsibility.

(Well, we could lessen dependence on foreign oil by drilling for our own – so let’s not even consider that.)

In the next few days, I will submit a budget to Congress. So often, we have come to view these documents as simply numbers on a page or laundry lists of programs. I see this document differently. I see it as a vision for America - as a blueprint for our future.

(No, it will be another laundry list of Democrat pork.)

My budget does not attempt to solve every problem or address every issue. It reflects the stark reality of what we've inherited - a trillion dollar deficit, a financial crisis, and a costly recession.

(And the budget will do its best to lead us further down the road to the kind of socialism that bankrupted Europe.)

Given these realities, everyone in this chamber - Democrats and Republicans - will have to sacrifice some worthy priorities for which there are no dollars. And that includes me.

(Yes, BHOSO will sacrifice, like when he jacked up the thermostat his first day in the Oval Office.)

But that does not mean we can afford to ignore our long-term challenges. I reject the view that says our problems will simply take care of themselves; that says government has no role in laying the foundation for our common prosperity.

(The biggest long-term challenge is already being ignored: how to pay for this federal largesse.)

For history tells a different story. History reminds us that at every moment of economic upheaval and transformation, this nation has responded with bold action and big ideas. In the midst of civil war, we laid railroad tracks from one coast to another that spurred commerce and industry. From the turmoil of the Industrial Revolution came a system of public high schools that prepared our citizens for a new age. In the wake of war and depression, the GI Bill sent a generation to college and created the largest middle-class in history. And a twilight struggle for freedom led to a nation of highways, an American on the moon, and an explosion of technology that still shapes our world.

(What “twilight struggle for freedom” led to the interstate highway system? Did BHOSO have help from William Ayers on that sentence?)

In each case, government didn't supplant private enterprise; it catalyzed private enterprise. It created the conditions for thousands of entrepreneurs and new businesses to adapt and to thrive.

(And had government gotten out of the way those projects would have been performed more quickly and more efficiently.)

We are a nation that has seen promise amid peril, and claimed opportunity from ordeal. Now we must be that nation again. That is why, even as it cuts back on the programs we don't need, the budget I submit will invest in the three areas that are absolutely critical to our economic future: energy, health care, and education.

(“Claimed opportunity from ordeal…” or, as Rahm Emanuel, Chief Thug of Staff, stated, “You never want a serious crisis to go to waste.”)

It begins with energy.

We know the country that harnesses the power of clean, renewable energy will lead the 21st century. And yet, it is China that has launched the largest effort in history to make their economy energy efficient. We invented solar technology, but we've fallen behind countries like Germany and Japan in producing it. New plug-in hybrids roll off our assembly lines, but they will run on batteries made in Korea.

(How about nuclear power, BHOSO?)

Well I do not accept a future where the jobs and industries of tomorrow take root beyond our borders - and I know you don't either. It is time for America to lead again.

(You could help by lowering the corporate tax rate; America’s is the second-highest in the world. Or keep it high and encourage even more businesses to flee overseas. Toss in BHOSO’s plans to make it easier for unions to organize workers – without a secret ballot – and say good-bye to any remaining American manufacturing jobs.)

Thanks to our recovery plan, we will double this nation's supply of renewable energy in the next three years. We have also made the largest investment in basic research funding in American history - an investment that will spur not only new discoveries in energy, but breakthroughs in medicine, science, and technology.

(Great, we’ll go from a minuscule amount of wind farms to a handful more. That ain’t enough, BHOSO. Tripling one per cent only gets you up to three per cent. And PETA will shut them down after they notice all the dead birds at the base of each windmill.)

We will soon lay down thousands of miles of power lines that can carry new energy to cities and towns across this country. And we will put Americans to work making our homes and buildings more efficient so that we can save billions of dollars on our energy bills.

(Engineering plans for those “smart” grids don’t even exist yet. BHOSO will be a grandfather before he sees that built. That’s assuming he eventually allows his daughters to be punished with children.)

But to truly transform our economy, protect our security, and save our planet from the ravages of climate change, we need to ultimately make clean, renewable energy the profitable kind of energy. So I ask this Congress to send me legislation that places a market-based cap on carbon pollution and drives the production of more renewable energy in America. And to support that innovation, we will invest fifteen billion dollars a year to develop technologies like wind power and solar power; advanced biofuels, clean coal, and more fuel-efficient cars and trucks built right here in America.

(“See Dick’s electric bill. See it triple. See Jane’s gas bill. See it quadruple. See Al Gore make a fortune on his cap-and-trade investments.” What a moron. BHOSO is indeed a clown.)

As for our auto industry, everyone recognizes that years of bad decision-making and a global recession have pushed our automakers to the brink. We should not, and will not, protect them from their own bad practices. But we are committed to the goal of a re-tooled, re-imagined auto industry that can compete and win. Millions of jobs depend on it. Scores of communities depend on it. And I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it.

(The nation’s automakers have screwed things up so badly by giving in to outrageous union demands that BHOSO is appointing someone from the United Steelworkers Union to be on the government board reviewing the future operations of GM, Ford, and Chrysler! And a word about history for BHOSO. He may believe that Al Gore invented the Internet, but Germany’s Gottlieb Daimler deserves credit for inventing the automobile. Give Henry Ford credit for improving the concept of the assembly line, and give Ford Motor Credit for – so far – turning down federal funds.)

None of this will come without cost, nor will it be easy. But this is America. We don't do what's easy. We do what is necessary to move this country forward.

(Doing what is reasonable and intelligent might be worth a try.)

For that same reason, we must also address the crushing cost of health care.

This is a cost that now causes a bankruptcy in America every thirty seconds. By the end of the year, it could cause 1.5 million Americans to lose their homes. In the last eight years, premiums have grown four times faster than wages. And in each of these years, one million more Americans have lost their health insurance. It is one of the major reasons why small businesses close their doors and corporations ship jobs overseas. And it's one of the largest and fastest-growing parts of our budget.

(It’s a good thing government hasn’t had anything to do with health care over the last 40 years, or we’d really be in big trouble!)

Given these facts, we can no longer afford to put health care reform on hold.

(“I’m from the government and I’m here to help you…” Will someone please get the crosses and the garlic?)

Already, we have done more to advance the cause of health care reform in the last thirty days than we have in the last decade. When it was days old, this Congress passed a law to provide and protect health insurance for eleven million American children whose parents work full-time. Our recovery plan will invest in electronic health records and new technology that will reduce errors, bring down costs, ensure privacy, and save lives. It will launch a new effort to conquer a disease that has touched the life of nearly every American by seeking a cure for cancer in our time. And it makes the largest investment ever in preventive care, because that is one of the best ways to keep our people healthy and our costs under control.

(That wonderfully generous SCHIP legislation makes the taxpayer pay for health care for children of “poor families” making only $125,000 per year. And the federal government has done such a good job of keeping the Chinese from getting our technology that it can certainly be trusted to safeguard everyone’s health records. BHOSO was cagey here about cancer, though – he only promised to “seek” a cure for cancer “in our time.” “Our time” may include the entire lifetimes of those born yesterday, such as most Democrats. And I can’t wait until people learn that the “largest investment in preventive care” means the government will tell your doctor he can’t perform a particular procedure on you because it is not cost-effective.)

This budget builds on these reforms. It includes an historic commitment to comprehensive health care reform - a down-payment on the principle that we must have quality, affordable health care for every American. It's a commitment that's paid for in part by efficiencies in our system that are long overdue. And it's a step we must take if we hope to bring down our deficit in the years to come.

(The goal is impossible, you might as well promise every American a home with an affordable mortgage. Oh, we tried that and it didn’t work? Why not ask the Canadians and the Brits how they feel about their “quality and affordable” health care. Then there’s always the great health care Michael Moore gushed over in Cuba – at least in the few clean facilities Castro allowed him to see.)

Now, there will be many different opinions and ideas about how to achieve reform, and that is why I'm bringing together businesses and workers, doctors and health care providers, Democrats and Republicans to begin work on this issue next week.

(Hey, BHOSO, ask the doctors how medical schools will be able to recruit new students when the federal government starts slashing fee schedules left and right in order to keep costs down. “How ‘ya gonna keep them in med school when they see the salaries of law school grads?”)

I suffer no illusions that this will be an easy process. It will be hard. But I also know that nearly a century after Teddy Roosevelt first called for reform, the cost of our health care has weighed down our economy and the conscience of our nation long enough. So let there be no doubt: health care reform cannot wait, it must not wait, and it will not wait another year.

(No illusions? BHOSO’s entire life has been an illusion! And, not to be nit-picky language-wise Mr. Greatest Speaker in the History of the World, but the task will be “difficult,” not “hard.” Pillows are soft, concrete walls are hard, tasks can be simple or difficult, and Hollyw